Fear

Dictionary.com defines fear as, ‘a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.’

Fear is a funny thing. Sometimes you don’t know that it’s fear that’s holding you back. Sometimes you are acutely aware of it.

For instance, I never went to school for the job I’m currently doing. I have 20+ years of experience, but no degree. I have a little formal training, but not enough to succeed in this job, or have a hope of getting another job like it elsewhere. Everyone wants to see that degree/certificate, and won’t even other reading your resume if they don’t see it listed under education. My particular niche is a strange one, ever-evolving, and sometimes impossible to keep up with. It’s also not really understood by most people, and is usually feared by those who don’t know how to use it.

Fear can do weird things to your brain. I have been applying to a multitude of jobs within a multitude of industries, as my particular skillset applies to every single business. I tend to apply for those that I think would be interesting, but that I definitely don’t qualify for. I have let at least 5 different postings slide by without applying, because I can’t be sure that the manager will be understanding that I have experience, but not training, like my former manager was. She was a very excellent manager, and always tried to put an employee in a job they both wanted and thought they would enjoy. She also felt that by doing that, she was fostering the kind of workplace where happy, challenged, engaged people continue to show up at. And you know what? She was right. We were a happy bunch. We were all doing what we wanted to be doing. We got along. We worked hard to achieve the goals of the building together. We supported each other. It was a truly unique experience, and I’ll forever be grateful to her for that. Unfortunately, she left us last May and moved across the country. I miss her dearly. The person who took over for her doesn’t have a lot of manager experience, and really didn’t want that job, and it showed. Even more unfortunately, the new person starting next week has a long history in finance, with what appears to be no management experience. I can’t say for sure, but I am basing that on the place she’s coming from, and her experience as outlined by the person introducing her to us.

I have been wondering whether this new manager that we’re getting would make it so I’d want to stay. There is a big disconnect between myself and the upper echelon of management, and unfortunately, my old boss used to run interference, because she understood that some of the requests being sent to me were insane and couldn’t be accommodated. Since she left, my life has gone massively downhill, and I haven’t enjoyed really any of the time there since the one who took over did not play the same interference, and in fact didn’t see anything wrong with the requests, making everything even worse. My stress levels went way past heart-attack-inducing levels over the past year and a half. Add in a pandemic during which my co-workers only really cared about masks 1/3 of the time, and up up up up go my stress levels. I have been trying to flee for months, but haven’t found the right fit for me.

Back to that fear. I have let it get in the way a lot recently, especially when it comes to this a new job. I know some companies don’t require the formal education and in some cases are even willing to train, but the fear of the unknown, the worry about whether I’ll be able to succeed, whether I’ll have someone to ask questions of, whether I’ll like my boss/the company/the benefits and so on. As a result, I have stayed in my exact position for far longer than I should have. I have watched local job boards for many months, and haven’t even found one single position I can reasonably apply for.

I had thought about moving to another province, but if I’m truly being honest with myself, despite all the advantages that living in a city of that size would afford me, I don’t want to move there. I left wintery provinces for a reason. I like my nice warm Vancouver Island life. It’s completely unaffordable to live here, but I am still resisting leaving.

I have been combing the Mr Money Mustache forums, looking for information regarding what’s the better idea, staying here and renting with my low rent in this wildly expensive town, or moving to the east in a town with hundreds more options and much lower prices, and eventually buying something some day. I am terrible at math, so I haven’t been able to figure out what exactly is the best choice financially. I finally found a few people that made it all make sense for me. 98% of them recommend against moving, which I’m not surprised at. A lot of people hate the city I was thinking of moving to, for a whole host of reasons. But, once they made the math make sense, I could feel my resolve getting stronger. Staying is what I need to do right now. I am going to spend a little money in the short term to make living here a bit more comfortable for me, but then the Mustachianism will begin.

Thanks for reading.

Published by Frugal Squirrel

I'm an early 40s Canadian who just plain doesn't want to work anymore. Join me on the ride as I learn about Canadian Finance!

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